It was suggested

I “give my testimony”…

I always disliked that term, because it somehow implies that what we are engaged in is a Court of Law, and what one is about to say is to be judged “true or false”. I don’t like “True or False” either, because it gives way too much power to the words of

I had a brief run in with the equivalent of Southern Baptists in 9th grade. I was lonely. I was the one everyone bullied, except the Christians. So, when presented with the idea of God, I jumped at the chance. It gave me protection during recess, because people didn’t mess with the Christians. I quickly learned that reciting Scriptures to everything that was said gave power and status in the Fundamentalist Christian Community I was part of. I am a quick study and have an excellent memory.
Between 9th and 10th grade I left home, emancipated myself and went to stay at an High Lutheran (it’s pretty similar to the High Anglican Church) retreat. There I was, due to my extreme basic knowledge of the Hebrew and Greek Scriptures, set to teach youngsters Christianity 101. I took part in the services which were 6 times a day, including Mass every day. There was only one problem. Because I was not Baptized I wasn’t allowed to take Communion, something that grieved me, at Mass. After some thinking and praying I decided that being baptized wasn’t such a bad idea. I told the Priest, who told me to spend the night in the Church, praying. I did, and on the morning of July 13th 1979, I was exorcised, baptized, confirmed and immediately took my first communion. Did I believe? Yes. Was there any doubt anywhere in my heart, soul or spirit? No. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I made a conscious choice to commit myself to God. Period.

Today I am 48 years old. I would like to think that after several years studying for the Ministry (two different denominations), my faith has deepened, matured and become more nuanced than it was when I was 16 and let myself be dragged into a Fundamentalist Community. I would like to think that it has changed since I took my first communion, wet and tired, 28 years ago in a strict High Lutheran 11 century Church. I would like to think that it has grown more tolerant and forgiving, less black and white, and that what I believe today is in all its basics what I believed back then. That God is merciful, loving, kind, truthful and forgiving, and that He is constantly Present through His Holy Spirit, as He promises in Scripture.

You may all doubt that any of this that I have told you is just the free fabulations of a blind and hardened heart, and that I am an unbeliever who needs to be saved, for all practical purposes God did that 28 years ago, and since I believe in daily commitment to His Ways, what took place 28 years ago is still in effect. All complaints and doubt about the status of my soul and my salvation – please take them up with God Almighty by Whose grace we are all Redeemed and Saved, and stop insinuating that He did something half-hearted, half-baked and flawed 28 years ago, because you are insulting not only me, but the Almighty Himself.

Job 19:25 For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth:

Now, can we commence with discussing Scriptures?
H

The Gift of Faith

There have been times in my spiritual journey when I have bemoaned the fact that I will never be a true believer. For whatever reason, God decided that Rich Mayfield would never be able to swallow anything hook, line and sinker. There would always be a slight pause, a little flicker of hesitation, a lingering doubt or ten. Perhaps you feel the same way. It is what prevents us from going all the way with just about anything. We are denied the utter conviction many of our peers have for a particular philosophy or political persuasion. Indeed, it even permeates our religious identity. We have occasional difficulty accepting the truth of this or the finality of that just because some people say it comes from God. There is always that little harbor of hesitation inside that causes us to go a little slower than others.

If faith is a gift from God, as I believe, then this kind of faith is God’s gift to me and I am called to do what I can with it. I understand that such a theological perspective is frustrating for some who expect Christians and particularly Christian pastors to function without a doubt and nary a question but in the words of that great theologian and spinach-fed sailor…”I yam who I yam and that’s all I can be.”

This curse that is a blessing or this blessing that is a curse, depending on your perspective, does allow a certain viewpoint that others might miss.

“True” believers generally are not open to critique, loving or otherwise. They are utterly and unequivocally convinced of the rightness of their position. Dialogue is most often non-existent. Sadly, I sense some of that in St. Paul and even more tragically I have witnessed countless Christians assume that same position of arrogance. We have even developed an ultimate punishment for those who refuse to agree. It is nonsense, of course, but not for a “true” believer. Ambiguity, nuance, diversity…these are characteristics troubling to the “true” believer. They want answers…unequivocal and utterly certain and they will do anything, anything to get them. Perhaps it is important to mention here that, according to two of the gospels, the very last word of Jesus as he hung dying on the cross was a horrifying question and not a glib and fatuous answer.

On the other hand – I am free to explore the Reality of God, Scriptures and Ideas without risking being gainsaid, having contradicting opinions or loosing my faith. To me not knowing is truly freedom, and it doesn’t in any way make me a lesser servant of God. On the contrary. I think my capacity for contradictions, multiple opinions and their implementation makes me far better at care for the souls that I meet. It also means I understand where other like me are coming from.

Truth is arrived at through arguments, discussion and debate, not through parroting what the Pastor said along with hundred others. How can I know what I truly believe and Whom I truly serve if it’s a matter of “One option, One Choice”. To me the God of “true” believers are small, feeble and limited with his “One Way Fits All”. My God is not afraid of opposition, questions, arguments and deliberation. My God has given me a kind of Faith that leaves room for a curious mind to roam and explore the Universe, ever so often running to Dad, yelling “look what I found, Dad!”. That is something “true” believers will never have.

H